When to Advocate for Your Child
Head’s up
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Other than this newsletter, we don’t offer a ton of free sh!+ at The Village Well, coz Mama’s got bills to pay. We are making an exception with a fantastic workshop this Saturday morning.
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Where? ➡️ Virtually on zoom so you can join from anywhere!
I’ve personally found using scripts to be instrumental in changing my reactive behavior, and that of my kids. What’s a script? It’s developing and then practicing a response to a common frustration. You train yourself to hold power while you are calm rather than angry. It’s a brilliant strategy to short-circuit triggers.
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The gist of things
When to Advocate for Your Child
Last week, I wrote about pushing back on hustle culture. This is one manifestation of how capitalism, racism, sexism, and American dreamism harm families. These same forces negatively impact your children, especially in schools. Think about the following:
Black boys make up 18 percent of the male preschool enrollment, but 41 percent of male preschool suspensions, and Black girls make up 19 percent of female preschool enrollment, but account for an astounding 53 percent of female suspensions. (Washington Post)
To understand how implicit bias works in schools, watch this enlightening two minute video.
Black, Latinx, and Pacific Islander students who enroll in community college have a 3% chance of graduating with a bachelor’s degree in six years.
Nationally, House Republicans are expected to once again push Don’t Say Gay legislation, which would prohibit federal expenditure on any “sexually oriented material” including any topic involving gender identity, gender dysphoria, transgenderism, sexual orientation, or related subjects.”
This is why it’s critical that parents, especially parents of kids of color, advocate for their kids in school and other systems.
I find that you can put yourself in a better position to advocate for your child when you are proactive about building relationships and being involved with your kid’s school. Get to know his teacher and the principal early in the year. If you can, make time to volunteer at events or field trips so that you are a source of support for the school community. This way, you aren’t showing up for the first time when something has gone wrong. I recognize it takes significant privilege to be able to do this.
There are four main situations in which you should get involved in advocacy:
Your child is harmed
If your child experiences violence, bullying, or meanness from another child or children, it’s imperative to remind the school that safety is their first responsibility, and that you won’t tolerate lapses in their vigilance. Key questions to ask:
Why did this situation occur?
What protections are in place to ensure this never happens again?
Are you speaking with the parents/guardians of the other child/ children? You cannot ask about the nature of those conversations, but you can ask about changes and precautions made at the school.
End with, “I’ll be checking up in a week to get updates on this situation. What time is good for you?”
Your child harms another
I’ve been in this situation. It’s tough. We all want to raise our kids to be kind and thoughtful, and sometimes they aren’t. It’s also important to hold the school accountable for supporting all kids including those who may lose control at times. My friends are raising a daughter who struggles with frustration tolerance and impulse control. One day at her after school program she had an episode in which she threw some furniture. She was suspended from the program and given her first of three strikes according to their policy. My friends immediately met with the executive director of the program to ask what restorative processes were in place to support kids’ behavior and understanding their actions. They also wanted to know what training the after school staff had taken in supporting kids with special needs.
Other behavior issues
Sometimes kids struggle to keep their focus, or keep control of their bodies in the school environment. If your child is facing behavioral issues, it’s important to partner with the teacher and other staff to encourage better behavior. Key questions include:
What can we do at home to support better behavior?
What skills teaching have you offered in the classroom to help my child and other children behave? How can I reinforce this at home?
How does my child’s self-control compare to an expected range for their age? If the behavior seems borderline or out of range, what assessments can the school provide? What additional supports are available? Approaches to behavior support will vary based on whether the issue is cognitive, physical (eyesight, hearing, fatigue, nutrition), neurodivergence (ADHD, autism), a learning difference (dyslexia), past trauma, or just a sh!++y day.
Academic issues
You want to identify sooner rather than later that your child is falling behind in an academic area. If you find your child struggling, it’s critical to ask the school what they are doing to support your child in catching up. It’s not enough for them to just identify the issue, they need to put a plan in place, and it’s critical to make sure they do this. Schools are really struggling in the Covid endemic era. Students have gaps in learning, there is a lingering mental health crisis, many schools face a staffing shortage. We can be sympathetic about these issues, but we need to advocate. Be the squeaky wheel. A supportive, pleasant, wheel, but still squeaky.
Track these four areas for your kid to make sure they are thriving. If they aren’t, demand action and attention for your child.
If you have success, frustration, or a story in these areas, let us know in the comments on Substack. Or email me at ed@villagewellparenting.com
We’re obsessed with…
It’s Corn - I know I’m late to this party, but I can’t get enough of It’s Corn. To be clear, I like corn, but I can’t get enough of Tariq’s passion for corn in this endearing song that went viral last year. It reminds me to nerd out over the things that bring me joy. Tariq - take us out!
Be Well!
Ed
Founder, The Village Well
About us:
The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include coaching, courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling?